Ellen White’s Spiritual Counsel on Marriage

As one of the founders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Ellen G. White was held in high regard. She was a prolific author and was heavily engaged in the mission of the denomination, prayerfully pursuing the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

People sought her counsel on a number of topics because of her vast knowledge of biblical principles. Marriage was one of them. Back then, there weren’t marriage counselors like there are today, so religious authorities were often sought out for advice and guidance.

As for her own marriage, Ellen (Harmon) White married James White on August 30, 1846, in Portland, Maine. She was just 18 years old.

In the many years of their marriage, she received insight and guidance from God that, combined with regular study of God’s Word, led her to give sound advice based on biblical principles.

We’ll take a look at some of her advice that has helped many couples in their relationships—both then and now, through her writings.

We’ll go over:

• Upholding God’s plan for marriage
• Principles for dating
• Counsel for difficulties in marriage
• Guidance on separation and divorce
• Tips for a happy marriage

First, let’s look at what Ellen White wrote about marriage in general.

Upholding God’s plan for marriage

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If you picked up the Bible and started reading right at the beginning, you’d find marriage is mentioned very early on. It’s a sacred union God established at the dawn of earth. He created Adam and Eve to be the world’s first husband and wife.

Ellen White’s paraphrase of this description in Genesis can be found in the book, The Adventist Home:

“God made from the man a woman, to be a companion and helpmeet for him, to be one with him, to cheer, encourage, and bless him, he in his turn to be her strong helper.”¹

God blessed this relationship, even after sin entered the world. And marriage is spoken of favorably throughout the Bible, even as a metaphor to describe Jesus’ relationship with His believers (Ephesians 5:29-32). Yet God did not command people to marry or not to marry. Like many things, God left this to our free will. This included those who served in official church ministry.

Ellen White upheld this view. “Jesus did not enforce celibacy upon any class of men. He came not to destroy the sacred relationship of marriage, but to exalt it and restore it to its original sanctity.”²

She also encouraged married couples to enjoy this beautiful thing God created: a loving sexual relationship between a husband and wife. “Christians…should duly consider the result of every privilege of the marriage relation, and sanctified principle should be the basis of every action.”³

In Ellen White’s time, “privilege of the marriage relation” was “code” for physical intimacy. Sexual relations were discussed much more minimally and discreetly than today. But she understood its importance in the harmony of the marriage, as Paul described in 1 Corinthians 5:7.

And when it comes to the everyday roles and responsibilities of the family household, she emphasized that a husband and wife should model the love of Christ to their families. And this starts with how they treat one another.

She encouraged each spouse to make the other their priority, because they are to treat themselves as “one flesh,” just like the Bible first describes this intimate union (Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31).

This is also why the apostle Paul says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, ESV). This means that both husband and wife serve one another. Not in a manner of subservience or subordination. But in that, when you love someone, you aspire daily to meet their needs.

Ellen White’s thoughts on this subject are summarized in The Adventist Home in the chapter, “Mutual Obligations.”⁴ Marriage is to be a relationship that reflects the principles of love described in 1 Corinthians 13—a partnership of equals under God, each focusing on the other, rather than only the self.⁵

She advised the wife to be “a companion to her husband” and for the husband to be “ever seeking to uplift his wife and children” and to “breathe about him a pure, sweet atmosphere.”⁶

While spousal roles will differ, each couple is a team, not a hierarchy. “Neither husband nor wife is to make a plea for rulership. The Lord has laid down the principle that is to guide in this matter,” she wrote.⁷

Principles for dating

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While Ellen White talked extensively about marriage, she also had helpful advice for dating couples. Her writings to individuals on the subject were collected in a book called Letters to Young Lovers.

One of the main principles she emphasized was true love. “True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.”⁸

True love is what will last a couple through marriage, while infatuation, or singular passion, will not. Ellen White recognized the importance of distinguishing between the two. And to help do that, she described that infatuation without true love “will be headstrong, rash, unreasonable, defiant of all restraint, and will make the object of its choice an idol.”⁹ But true love, while it indeed involves passion and strong feelings of attraction, it also comes with balance, comfort, and trust.

Especially since people tended to marry very young in her day, she knew that they would be weighing their realities against childhood expectations and strong impulses that they were still learning how to discern.

She also acknowledged that many young people were “infatuated with the subject of courtship and marriage” while “their principal burden is to have their own way.” Because of this, she pointed out how important Bible study is for teens and young adults. “In this, the most important period of their lives, they need an unerring counselor, an infallible guide. This they will find in the Word of God.”¹⁰

And for couples who were contemplating marriage, she advised setting clear boundaries for physical intimacy. And she wrote guidance for those who felt it was permissible to “sow your wild oat,” so to speak.

“You cannot afford to be careless in regard to the companions you choose. …[A]n hour of thoughtlessness, once yielding to temptation, may turn the whole current of your life in the wrong direction. You can have but one youth; make that useful. …You can never return to rectify your mistakes.”¹¹

If couples wait until marriage to enjoy physical intimacy, chances are so much higher that they will be able to handle their sexual relationship with more maturity, love, contentment, and enjoyment.

Studies also back this up. One frequently-referenced study shows that waiting until marriage for sexual intimacy supports a stronger, healthier relationship.¹²

But there’s more to preparing for marriage than discussing the boundaries for intimacy. Ellen White frequently encouraged couples to dedicate themselves to God as a couple, prayerfully asking God if He approves of the union.

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“Marriage is a sacred ordinance and should never be entered upon in a spirit of selfishness. Those who contemplate this step should solemnly and prayerfully consider its importance, and seek divine counsel that they may know whether they are pursuing a course in harmony with the will of God.”¹³

Couples can consult God by praying or reading what the Bible has to say about marriage, and about Christian character (Galatians 5:13-26), before tying the knot.

Additionally, she pointed out how helpful it is for engaged couples to think about what life with their spouse would look like. How will things likely play out—realistically?

“Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God? And will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God move forward.”¹⁴

These are reasonable questions, and they can apply to friendships and work relationships, too. There’s more to relationships than just having fun together, enjoying someone’s sense of humor, or finding someone attractive or charismatic. For someone you’ll be spending your life with, it makes sense to ask, Will this person support my life goals? Will they help me stay on track spiritually? Will they continually challenge me to be a good person?

Another major concept Ellen White addressed is the biblical warning of being “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14). This is an encouragement to marry within the same faith. An unbelieving spouse who does not support or seek to understand your faith is ultimately showing you disrespect.¹⁵

Ellen White wrote, “Too often the unconverted heart follows its own desires, and marriages unsanctioned by God are formed. …Those who are ruled by passion and impulse will have a bitter harvest to reap in this life, and their course may result in the loss of their souls.”¹⁶

But even if all things seem to be in place, she ultimately encouraged couples to take it slowly. “A relation so important as marriage and so far-reaching in its results should not be entered upon hastily, without sufficient preparation, and before the mental and physical powers are well developed,” she wrote in her book, The Ministry of Healing.¹⁷

Not surprisingly, marriages that begin from impulsivity generally don’t turn out too well. How could they, if the two have barely had time to deeply learn about each other beforehand? It’d be like buying a house before knowing about how solid of a foundation it sits on, or before going through the inspection process.

A marriage relationship is a wonderful blessing and a sacred bond. When God is involved, it can be a deeply satisfying and enriching relationship. So it only makes sense to treat something this important with the utmost care and preparation.

Counsel for difficulties in marriage

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No matter how blissfully happy a couple is when they say “I do,” any marriage will have bumps down the road. We’re all imperfect humans, and this is nothing to be ashamed of. But it’s important to smooth out these bumps properly to avoid chipping away at the trust and support in a marriage relationship.

Ellen White had a few pieces of advice for solving difficulties in a marriage. First, figure out your priorities. Husbands and wives, no matter the sacred pledge between them, owe their allegiance to God first.

“It is a hard matter to adjust family difficulties, even when husband and wife seek to make a fair and just settlement in regard to their several duties, if they have failed to submit the heart to God. How can husband and wife divide the interests of their home life and still keep a loving, firm hold upon each other?”¹⁸

But if a husband and wife believe in God and allow Him to mold and shape their characters, then they can tap into this divine strength to help them overcome problems with grace and love. But like any loving relationship of any kind, it takes mutual submission. And if the willingness for this mutual respect and consideration isn’t there, problems are likely to arise.

Here’s how Ellen White describes an observation we can learn from:

“In the married life, men and women sometimes act like undisciplined, perverse children. The husband wants his way, and the wife wants her way, and neither is willing to yield. Such a condition of things can bring only the greatest unhappiness. Both husband and wife should be willing to yield his or her way or opinion. There is no possibility of happiness while they both persist in doing as they please.”¹⁹

Both parties should serve each other, putting the other’s needs and even some of their wants (whenever reasonable/possible) above their own. The attitude of service goes a long way in mending a tense or strained relationship.

Husbands and wives will never see exactly eye-to-eye on everything, and that’s to be expected. But it’s not worth dwelling on the things you won’t ever agree about. This is one way Satan tries to tear couples apart. For this, Ellen White counseled, “My brother, my sister, open the door of the heart to receive Jesus. Invite Him into the soul-temple. Help each other to overcome the obstacles which enter the married life of all.”²⁰

A husband and wife team, striving toward the same ultimate goal, operates with overarching unity. “The husband and wife should be all to each other. … Never should either party indulge in a joke at the expense of the other’s feelings.”²¹ Nagging, belittling, or hanging on the other’s differences of opinion is like tearing a house down. You can rip pieces off, little by little, until the whole thing is eventually in ruin.

What’s more, it’s best if any complaints about a spouse or disputes about a situation stay within the marriage, brought only to God or to a spiritual leader or professional counselor. If a woman complains about her husband to another man, or a man complains about his wife to another woman, it “violates” marriage vows and “dishonors” the spouse. And it’s not difficult to understand why that would be the case.

The goal here is to preserve the dignity of each spouse.²² Even if a couple is having difficulties, neither one has the right to cause others to look less favorably upon them. That’s not what love does.

Guidance on separation and divorce

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Just as a marriage should be considered with great solemnity, so should separation or divorce. Marriage was meant to be a holy union. Severing that tie is something that should be considered and weighed carefully, with a lot of prayer before making a decision.

One thing she emphasized was that separation be tried first instead of going straight to considering divorce. And by this, she meant a temporary separation, not setting out to make a new home. Instead, the purpose of this would be a time of soul-searching and growth, with the intention of restoring the marriage relationship in the future.²³

Since reconciliation is the goal, Ellen White also addressed the complicated subject of being married to someone who isn’t a Christian. “If the wife is an unbeliever and an opposer, the husband cannot, in view of the law of God, put her away on this ground alone. In order to be in harmony with the law of Jehovah [God], he must abide with her, unless she chooses of herself to depart.”²⁴

Living with someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on such a profound and important subject is definitely difficult. But if the unbelieving spouse doesn’t want to end the marriage relationship, it would be a betrayal for the believing spouse to leave them solely for that reason. (And what kind of representation of the heart of God would that be, if that was the only reason for leaving?)

Instead, the believing spouse can pray and treat the other with every respect, and uphold their vow to be faithful. This in itself is a witness of God’s character.

Only one reason, she said, is given in the Bible as grounds for divorce. “God gave only one cause why a wife should leave her husband, or the husband leave his wife, which was adultery. Let this ground be prayerfully considered,” she wrote. Adultery breaks the vows that spouse made on their wedding day.²⁵

Jesus makes this clear in Matthew 5:32.

But just because divorce is biblically allowed for only one reason doesn’t mean a spouse should endanger themselves by remaining in a bad situation. Physical abuse, for example, is a good reason for a spouse to separate as soon as possible and seek safety. Once the abused spouse is safe, thought can be appropriately given toward the future of the marriage and the family.

And overall, prayer is to be included in whatever decision is in the works within the marriage.

That way, when difficulties inevitably arise, a couple is already willing to listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

Ellen White’s own marital challenges

Despite the difficulties they faced in marriage, Ellen and James White had a solid, lasting, and inspiring relationship. They traveled together, preached together, and raised a family together. When her husband died in 1881, Ellen White said fondly, “I feel that he is the best man that ever trod shoe leather.”²⁶

James described Ellen as the “crown of his rejoicing.”²⁷

But they were not without their own challenges. James was the type of person who would devote himself wholeheartedly and intensely to his work. And this would sometimes lead to the tendency to want to control situations or people around him. This tendency came out especially when he was under stress.

To add to this, he had a series of strokes beginning in the 1860s. This shifted his temperament and brought out these undesirable characteristics even further.

“I can but dread the liability of James’ changeable moods, his strong feelings, his censures, his viewing me in the light he does, and has felt free to tell me his ideas of my being led by a wrong spirit, my restricting his liberty, et cetera,” Ellen White wrote in a letter.²⁸

And it didn’t make things any easier when her own independent spirit conflicted with the way James tried to curtail her activity and travel. In that same letter, she lamented, “He [James] has said we must not seek to control each other. I do not own to doing it, but he has, and much more. I never felt as I do now in this matter. I cannot have confidence in James’ judgment in reference to my duty.”²⁹

No question that this was an extremely trying situation for her. So to ease the tension and allow for prayer and reflection, she stayed in California while James went to Michigan. They carried on their work separately for almost two months, though she continued to write to him, showing her continued love and affection.

This temporary separation helped resolve the friction between them and they were soon at each other’s side once again, traveling to speaking appointments.

A few years later, James publicly acknowledged his failings, writing, “I now feel sure that God has forgiven my sins, so far as I have seen them, and confessed them in the spirit of true repentance,” he wrote.³⁰

Both of them, in their trials, sought to repair the relationship, not destroy it further. With this right spirit, they rode through the storms and were able to truthfully say they had a strong marriage because of their willingness to put God first, and to seek His guidance in their decisions.

Ellen White’s tips for a happy marriage

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Throughout her years in ministry, Ellen White was in close proximity to countless social and relational issues in various church communities and saw the harm that this kind of discord could bring. She also faced many unique situations in her own marriage. With the wisdom she gained from her ministry and from her years of diligent Bible study, here are a few tips she has for maintaining a healthy, happy marriage.

• Keep Jesus Christ at the top of your relationship. “Religion is needed in the home. Only this can prevent the grievous wrongs which so often embitter married life.”³¹ This is perhaps the most important thing for couples to strive for because of its eternal nature.
• Keep unity in your relationship. “The happiness and prosperity of the married life depend upon the unity of the parties.”³² So even if you and your spouse don’t agree on every little thing, you can appreciate each other’s uniqueness while also resolving important issues as a team.
• Never doubt the vows you made to each other. “Though difficulties, perplexities, and discouragements may arise, let neither husband nor wife harbor the thought that their union is a mistake or a disappointment.”³³ The commitment you made to your spouse is sacred. And that commitment will get you through the difficulties you encounter, as long as God remains part of it.
• Serve each other. Put your spouse before yourself. “You will both be happy if you try to please each other. Keep the windows of the soul closed earthward and opened heavenward.”³⁴
• Be careful what you say. “Let not your married life be one of contention. If you do, you will both be unhappy. Be kind in speech and gentle in action, giving up your own wishes. Watch well your words, for they have a powerful influence for good or for ill.”³⁵ She wanted to make sure it was taken seriously that words have more power to tear down a relationship than we usually give them credit for. Just a simple commitment to be uplifting in our speech can do more good than we often can imagine.

Marriage is a huge step in life. And just like most of the highly important things in life, it takes work to maintain it. Even the happiest of marriages are not without struggle, but you can ease the challenges of marriage with kind words and thoughtful actions—and a commitment to put God first.

Ellen White faced typical marital challenges along with several unique ones. But she and James faced them with the help of God. She wrote down what she learned, along with guidance God directly gave her, in order to help others as well.

If you’d like to learn more about the biblical principles that apply to marriage,

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